March, 2008
Director/Writer: Rob Minkoff/M.Night Shyamalan and Greg Brooker
Cast: Michael J. Fox, Geena Davis, Hugh Laurie, Jonathan Lipnicki, Nathan Lane, Jennifer Tilly
Genre: Family/Comedy
Rating: PG (for brief language)
Stuart, a young mouse in the city orphanage, is adopted by Mr. and Mrs. Little, a human couple, despite the fact that the orphanage discourages “inter-species adoption.” Their birth son, George, who had asked for a younger brother, is disappointed that Stuart is a mouse and refuses to talk to or play with him. The Little’s cat, Snowbell, is angry and embarrassed that a mouse is a part of the family, and plots to get rid of him. Meanwhile, Stuart begins to question Mr. and Mrs. Little about his “real family” and says he feels “an empty space inside” himself. Just when George accepts him as a brother and Stuart begins to feel secure in his new family, Stuart’s birth parents, Mr. and Mrs. Stout show up. They tell Mr. and Mrs. Little that they want Stuart to come home with them. Reluctantly, Mr. and Mrs. Little tell Stuart that he should go with the Stouts because they are his “real family”… but are they?
Points to Consider
- This movie may remind some adoptees and their families of the challenges involved in transracial adoption.
- Some of the ways in which adoption can affect sibling relationships are illustrated in this movie.
What Do You Think?
- Under what circumstances might it make sense for a child to be placed back with his birth family? Who do you think should have a voice in this decision?
- “I’m not Stout, I’m a Little! I’m Stuart Little!” Many adoptees are renamed by their adoptive families and some may not find out their birth names till later in life, if ever. To what extent do you think names and identity are intertwined for adoptees?
- If you are uncomfortable with any of the directions that this movie takes or decisions that characters in this story make, does the fact that this is a children’s movie make it easier for you to watch and enjoy? Do you think your reactions might be different if Stuart were not a mouse, but a human child? What messages do you think this movie sends to adopted children?
by Astrid Dabbeni
Question from an Adoptive Parent:
I have two sons. The older has a close relationship with his birthmother; the younger hasn’t seen his birthmother since he was a baby. We have tried to involve our younger son’s birthmother in our lives, but, sadly, we have lost contact. How do I help my kids with this?
Read the rest of this entry »
by Astrid Dabbeni
I recently stumbled across a list in Adoptive Families magazine titled “30 Things Adoptees Wish They Knew About Their Birthparents – But Often Are Afraid To Ask.” Many of the questions I grew up wondering about, and sometimes stressing about, were sitting in front of me on a piece of paper written and published by someone else. The fact that someone had taken the time to write these 30 questions was very validating for me. It was a profound moment.
Read the rest of this entry »
by Mina Bacigalupi
You have been waiting for this moment for months. You have been examined, studied, notarized, and authenticated. You stayed up until 3:00 AM packing and re-packing every possible item a new baby would need, fitting it into one bag, weighing less than 44 pounds. You squeezed yourself into a hard seat with minimal leg room for 14 hours and 6000 miles. You have eaten just enough foreign food to feel slightly queasy and wonder why you packed the Pepto-Bismol at the bottom of your bag.
Read the rest of this entry »
by Mina Bacigalupi
“DTC” – Dossier To China. The words themselves bring a big sigh of relief. The paperchase , the homestudy, and Immigration approval are all complete. Everything is signed, notarized, sealed, approved and authenticated and now finally… mailed off to China. Now begins the wait, the part that most couples find the most difficult and frustrating part of the adoption process.
Read the rest of this entry »
by Mina Bacigalupi
Packing , airline reservations, Chinese visas, the final days of the long wait to adopt can be busy and hectic. Here is a checklist to help make sure that you remember it all before you settle down for that 13 hour flight.
Read the rest of this entry »
Laura Shaine Cunningham; HarperTrophy; 2006
This story reminds us that our efforts to protect our children from the sometimes difficult truth, while generally well-intended, are often misdirected and misunderstood. New questions will continue to surface those from the past that are yet unanswered.
Zoya Blume is a 12-year-old girl who has not had an opportunity to process some questions and mysteries from her past. When her mother leaves, promising to be back in seven days and leaving a magician friend in charge of caring for her daughter, she gives Zoya a diary and instructions to write her truth and “search for her first memory.” Zoya believes that her first memory is locked up in the little plaid suitcase that she carried from the orphanage when she was adopted at the age of four.
The diary entries give us Zoya’s perspective as she struggles to make sense of her mother’s disappearance, the presence of the Astounding Armand, the power that the Buka has over her, and the secrets in the plaid suitcase. Through Zoya’s eyes, we learn about her life at Roxy Mansion, the mysteries of the Stone Girl and the midnight crying, and the truth about the Disgusting Boy.
The role of the magician seems appropriately mysterious, but in the end it is his magic and the support of Zoya’s gypsy friend that help to unlock the mysteries to give Zoya a new understanding of her own past, her mother’s past, and their life together as a family.
My 13-year-old daughter, who was also adopted at the age of 4, recommended this book to me. As our children grow, so does their sophistication to understand the truth, and so must our respect for their maturity grow.
“Zoya Blume” is an easy read, delightful and poignant. Single adoptive parents, this is one of the rare books where we can see our family represented. Zoya’s adventures and unique perspective will be enjoyed by many.
Jean Little; Penguin Group; 2000
My daughter and I came across “Willow and Twig” at the library in the young readers section. She checked out the book for herself, but she was soon recommending it to me too. While the book is clearly written for the pre-teen, middle reader, I thoroughly enjoyed it. In fact, I found it to be an amazing book. I couldn’t put it down; I cried and cheered for the characters.
Willow and Twig are two children whose mother cannot take care of them. Willow, the older sister, takes care of herself and her little brother as best she can. The story is about their brush with the system, and their journey to settle into a new home. It is told primarily from the perspective of Willow, and her secret companion, Red Mouse.
Jean Little is a well-known Canadian author who has written many books for children. I found her handling of the many sensitive issues in this book to be very insightful and well-informed. The birth mother’s drug use, abusive “friends”, and fetal alcohol effects are all dealt with in an age-appropriate manner and without blaming. The characters are realistic – a bad cop and a good cop, for example – but the good in people prevails. Even some of the more dysfunctional characters are shown to care and are trying to do their best, including the birth mother. There are clever subplots to the story (Red Mouse is more than an imaginary friend!), which makes the book fun for more advanced readers as well.
Most of the book is about Willow and Twig’s adjustment to living in their grandmother’s home with its interesting set of residents. Anyone who has worked with children in foster care will recognize the grandmother’s masterful handling of the situation, and her work to get Willow to relinquish her parenting role. The description of Twig’s fetal alcohol effects is the best and most age-appropriate that I have read for young readers (and maybe for adults too).
“Willow and Twig” handles a lot of weighty, serious issues. Jean Little writes in a way that deals with them head on, and brings out the best. You’ll be cheering for Willow and Twig in the end too!
– Debbie Kaufman
The Language of Blood, Jane Jeong Trenka; Greywolf Press; 2005
I’m still processing whatI think about this book. I’ve read other reviews and it seems that The Language of Blood stirs strong feelings in every case, whether you love it or find it offensive. For adoptive parents, I think we could all learn something from it.
The Language of Blood is a creatively written personal memoir of a Korean-born adoptee. The book begins with a letter from Trenka’s birthmother explaining why she and her older sister were sent to the United States – much more information than I suspect most Korean-born adopted people have. The sisters are adopted by a Lutheran couple in rural Minnesota, who, following the conventional wisdom of the time, raise the girls as “good, white, Lutherans”, and in Trenka’s opinion, deny their Korean heritage. The book focuses on Trenka’s search for identity through relationships with her birth family in Korea. She combines a variety of writing styles – the mix of techniques mirroring her own identity struggles.
While some of Trenka’s opinions may be difficult for adoptive parents to read, we cannot deny Trenka her experience, nor that it is probably the experience of many interracially adopted people. If we are to learn what the book has to offer, I think we need to suspend judgment, at least those of us who are adoptive parents. Is Trenka unfairly harsh to her adoptive parents? Possibly. Does she give short shrift to the relationship with her sister, who seems to have had the same upbringing with less identity crisis? Maybe. Is she unduly critical of American culture, while painting a rosier picture of Korea than is due? It probably depends on your own race.
The Language of Blood is a deeply honest, personal story. Trenka shares intimate thoughts and details about time spent with her birth family in Korea. In contrast, her descriptions of her life growing up and relationships with her adoptive family leave much more implied. She does a masterful job of using writing styles that enhance the meaning of the words.
Many of Trenka’s emotions and feelings seem to be very raw and near the surface. I could imagine that some would advise that she should have waited to write the memoir, giving her a more mature perspective later in life. But I think that it would have been our loss.
As our own children are growing up, we don’t want them to have an identity crisis as an adopted person, or as a member of a multi-ethnic family. But they might anyway. Denying it will not make it go away. If we discount Trenka’s experience, we risk losing some valuable insight from a brave and creative woman. It may not be our experience, nor our children’s, but what we learn from Trenka is of value nonetheless.
– Debbie Kaufman
Joyce Maguire Pavao; Beacon Press, Boston; 1998
In the preface to her book, Joyce Maguire Pavao writes that “The Family of Adoption” is meant for everyone in the world of adoption. I agree. This is an excellent overview book, addressing all three perspectives of the adoption triad. There are three chapters that discuss various developmental stages of the adopted person, and an entire chapter on the importance of keeping connections. The book is relatively short (135 pages) and an easy read.
Maguire Pavao is an adopted person herself, as well as a respected professional in the field of adoption. In the book, she strikes a nice balance between professionalism and the knowledge and passion for this topic that most often comes from personal experience. The information from the “professional” is interspersed with very effective illustrative stories.
The author reminds us throughout that the focus of adoption is, or should be, the child. She effectively normalizes adoption issues and encourages us to accept them as part of the process, and part of the normal developmental stages of the adopted person.
As Maguire Pavao does, I would recommend this book to anyone in the “world of adoption,” or anyone interested in it. In particular, I would recommend “The Family of Adoption” for extended family members. This book, along with “Adoption Nation” by Adam Pertman would make an excellent “package” for those interested in an overview of adoption.
– Debbie Kaufman
Jana Wolff; 1997; Andrews and McMeel, Kansas City*
Reading Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother is like a good session with your therapist. It is insightful. You feel like you have been understood, and that there is a lot of “relating” going on. It can also make you uncomfortable. The truth is so bare.
Author Jana Wolff tells her own story, from infertility through adoption to reunion, in short, easy-to-read chapters. In fact, the whole book can be read in a single, uninterrupted evening – if you have such a luxury. Wolff is extremely candid about coming to terms (or not) with infertility, her son’s birthmother and her now interracial family. She discusses attachment issues from the personal side, rather than the clinical explanations we more often hear, and writes clearly about the mixed emotions inherent in so much of the adoption experience.
In some places, I found myself “disagreeing” with Wolff, but then I realized, this is just one woman’s personal experience. I just needed to “listen.” In other places, I read with amazement as I felt like my own thoughts were written there on the page. In all cases, though, I appreciated Wolff’s honesty and openness.
Obviously, every adoption experience is different. Even families who have adopted more than one child have very unique stories for each. Jana Wolff’s experience will not necessarily be yours, but I think she hits upon some universal emotions in the adoption process.
While some of Wolff’s secret thoughts are not easy to read, I do think the world (and adoptive parents) would benefit from more of us being as open as Wolff is about some of our own thoughts and fears. Ever since first reading this book several years ago, I have wanted to write the “sequel” from my own experience. But the courage and the time have been lacking, among other things. Maybe we could all contribute a chapter.
– Debbie Kaufman
*The second edition of this book came out in 1999. My review is from the older edition.
Jaiya John. Soul Water Publishing; Silver Spring, Maryland; 2002
This is a powerful book. Anyone who struggles with the current state of race relations in the United States, which should be all of us, would gain immensely from reading John’s autobiographical analysis about how both race and adoption matter. John, a Black baby, was adopted in his first year of life by a White couple and grew up in a predominantly White community during the period of “love sees no color”, our society’s misguided goal of colorblindness. Throughout his life, John is surrounded by love and privilege – everything he needs to grow and thrive, except acknowledgement and acceptance of his Blackness.
In many ways, this is not an easy book to read. It is a commitment to get through chapter after chapter of disappointment and hurt – a young boy, then teenager, full of pain and anger. I often read late into the night, hoping to get to a “happy resolution.”
As a White adoptive parent of a Black child, I hung on John’s descriptions of his parents love and devotion. I recognized myself in his parents’ dedication to provide every resource to all their five children to thrive and become happy adults. I understood their commitment to change the status quo. But the recounting of good intentions is not the purpose of this book. In fact, the lesson may be about how good intentions can be our blinders to the reality that is our child’s life in a racist society.
Black Baby White Hands reinforced for me the message that I am seeing written and spoken about more and more: we need to acknowledge our differences and genuinely talk about them. “Colorblindness” was easier. As White people, it allowed us to avoid actually dealing with racism both within ourselves and our society. But, it didn’t and doesn’t work.
John digs deep into the implications of both race and adoption and challenges us to think through not only our intentions, but our actions and our willingness to hear the truth. This is just one person’s story, and could be discounted as such, but that would be a mistake. Jaiya John has something to teach everyone, but particularly those of us who are White and adoptive parents. If you approach this book with a genuinely open mind, you will be rewarded with new awareness.
And yes, I did find a happy resolution, but not the one I thought I was seeking.
– Debbie Kaufman
Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall; 2000; Perspectives Press, Indianapolis, Indiana
I love finding a great book, especially on adoption issues, but the icing on the cake is getting to hear the author of a great book speak in person. So it was with Gail Steinberg, the keynote speaker at the May adoption conference. Inside Transracial Adoption is a book on a complex and controversial subject. It is very in depth and has a huge amount of information packed into it. In fact, my main criticism of the book may be that it has too much. So, it was with great interest that I went to hear Steinberg speak. She was an engaging speaker and added tremendously to my understanding of her book.
Steinberg and Hall tackled an ambitious goal with this book. The jacket cover claims it is “destined to become the classic guide to living inside transracial adoption.” Indeed, the authors go far beyond the usual “learn about food and holidays” advice that new transracial adoptive parents regularly receive. They were thorough in their research, and have done a great job of pulling together input from many others, a critical component for a book on diversity.
The presentation of the material is very clear and methodical. When dealing children’s stages of development, for example, they begin with some basic child development information, then overlay adoption issues, and finally, add transracial issues to the mix. The heavier “academic” sections are interspersed with stories from the authors’ own experiences as adoptive parents, and sections called “The Experts Speak Out” with quotes from all perspectives of the transracial adoption triad.
I wouldn’t call Inside Transracial Adoption pleasure reading, but it is indeed very important. You won’t breeze through this book, but you will be rewarded with a wealth of information. If you are parenting a child of a race different than your own, you owe it to your son or daughter to read this book. And, check out their website: www.pactadopt.org.
– Debbie Kaufman
Rita J. Simon and Rhonda M. Roorda; Columbia University Press, New York; 2000
This book begins with an overview of the history of transracial adoption. The authors discuss the research that has been done on the issue as well as the debate surrounding the practice in the United States. This serves as the introduction to twenty-four interviews with African-American and multi-racial adults who were adopted by White parents, most as babies or young children.
The interviewees, now mostly in their twenties, have had diverse experiences in their adoptive families, some growing up in isolated areas with few African-American role models and others in multiracial families and/or communities. The interviews are rich with personal and specific experiences, giving the reader insight into the day-to-day life of transracial adoption. Not all of the responses are easy to read, as an adoptive parent, but much of it is enlightening and up-lifting. The young people have amazing insight and awareness about their parents’ efforts to raise them and none doubt their parents’ intentions or their love. The take home lesson for adoptive parents is the importance of honoring a child’s ethnic and racial heritage, and giving them plenty of options to explore and experience it.
Academics, social workers and adoption agencies can debate transracial adoption all they want, but what really matters is how the adopted people themselves feel about it. I hope that there will be more work like that of Simon and Roorda in order to spread the truth about this issue, and that it will include the experiences of adopted people of other ethnic and racial backgrounds.
Considering the on-going debate around transracial adoption, my overriding question, and I imagine that of many others was: In hindsight, are the adult adopted people for or against transracial adoption? The answer, as you might expect, is more complex than “yes” or “no.” If this question is important to you, then I would recommend reading the book in order to gain the full richness of the answer. I will tell you this, though, as an adoptive parent, I felt encouraged by their opinions.
– Debbie Kaufman
Lisa Meadows Garfield; Agate Lake Publishing; White City, OR; 2004
“For Love of a Child” begins with the author’s own stories of her multiple connections with adoption – as the older sister of an adopted person, as an adoptive parent, and as a birth grandparent in an open adoption. The rest of the book is a collection of short stories by people with a wide variety of perspectives on the adoption experience. In fact, what is most impressive about this book is the diversity of the stories from adopted people, birth parents (mother and father), adoptive parents and extended family members. International, older child, open, sibling group, and private adoptions are all discussed as well as adoptions by single parents, stepparents, relatives, a lesbian couple, and even what it is like to grow up in a dysfunctional adoptive family. The stories cover the entire spectrum of closed to open, both in terms of relationships and attitudes.
Fortunately, Garfield allows each of these touching stories to stand on their own. So often writers who put together a collection of stories feel the need to comment on each story as an introduction to the reader. Garfield begins each chapter with the name of the person and a phrase from the story. This is an effective introduction that allows you to experience the story from the writer’s perspective and form your own impressions without interpretation from someone else.
In other book reviews, I have mentioned “Adoption Nation” (Adam Pertman) and “The Family of Adoption” (Joyce Maguire Pavao) as great “introduction to adoption” books for those interested in adopting or for extended family members. I’d like to add “For Love of a Child” to this group with the added note that this new one is probably the easiest to read and most approachable for those with no adoption background. Add it to your collection!
– Debbie Kaufman
Adam Pertman; 2000; Basic Books
One of the things that makes this book a pleasure to read is that it is written by a journalist with expertise in adoption, rather than an adoption expert or academic. Both can have good information, but in this case, the journalist’s is simply easier to read. The author, Adam Pertman, is an adoptive parent himself of two children. He won a Pulitzer Prize for a series he wrote about adoption in The Boston Globe, and it is very clear that he knows his topic.
Throughout the book, Pertman refers to the “adoption revolution” that he maintains is sweeping this country, and he makes a convincing argument. The revolution has both to do with the changes openness is making in adoption, as well as the impact that this and new types of adoption are having on families and American culture.
The book includes a well-researched history of adoption in the U.S., as well as information on various types of adoption and other trends. Pertman skillfully weaves his own and other’s personal stories throughout the book, as well as reminders of those who made the headlines. He addresses a broad range of topics, from the rights of adopted persons to their birth certificates to racial tensions to economic disparities and the impact of money. His writing is supported by detailed footnotes and a resource list at the end.
Pertman definitely has some strong opinions, but he has done his homework. If you are not a fan of openness in adoption, this book will either convince you otherwise, or make you really mad. Personally, I found Adoption Nation to be a strong affirmation of adoption, of all triad members, and of adoption’s value to our society. I highly recommend it!
– Debbie Kaufman
Families with Children from China (FCC) – A network of support for adoptive families and those interested in adoption from China.
Families of Russian and Ukrainian Adoptions Including Neighboring Countries (FRUA) – A non-profit support organization for families with children adopted from the former Soviet Union and its surrounding republics.
North American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC) – Advocates for the right of every child to a permanent, continuous, nurturing and culturally sensitive family.
Northwest Adoptive Families Association (NAFA) – A support group for adoptive families and those interested in adoption.
Oregon Post Adoption Resource Center (ORPARC) – An information and referral service for Oregon DHS adoptive and assisted guardianship families.
Portland Adoption Counseling – Led by Nina Yates, M.S., an adopted person and Couples, Marriage and Family Therapist whose practice is focused on supporting people touched by adoption.
Facilitator: Astrid Dabbeni
When: March 8, 2011 at 6:00 pm
Where: SE UpLift, 3534 SE Main St, Portland, OR
Cost: $4-$10 sliding scale
Contact info@adoptionmosaic.org to get on the e-mail list for this group.
View the flyer
Three times a year, our adult adoptee Movie Night is open to other constellation members and the adoption community (March, July & December). Through the viewing and discussion of mainstream movies, the adoption experience is shared and normalized. Adoption Mosaic Movie Group seeks to create a collective space where the adoption constellation can learn from each other, build community, and contribute to enhancing the lives of other constellation members.
Join us for a movie, popcorn and a facilitated discussion.
Our Adoption in the Movies booklet is now available! For more information, or to purchase click here
Also check out our Movie Reviews!
Through the viewing and discussion of mainstream movies, the adult adoptee experience is shared and normalized. Adoption Mosaic Movie Group seeks to create a collective space where adoptees can learn from each other, build community, and contribute to enhancing the lives of other adoptees.
Join us for a movie, popcorn and a facilitated discussion.
Details
Facilitator: Astrid Dabbeni
When: March 13, 2012 and May 15, 2012
Time: 6:00 pm
Where: SE UpLift – 3534 SE Main St, Portland, OR 97214
Cost: $4-$10 sliding scale
Contact info@adoptionmosaic.org to get on the e-mail list for this group.
Our Adoption In the Movies Booklet is now available! For more information, or to purchase click here.
Also check out our Movie Reviews!
These groups are for adopted youth (grade school through teens), and are led by a team of adult adoptees who bring with them years of experience in the adoption community as well as experience leading youth groups. Groups are formed by request, and can be arranged by a group of parents, a school or other organization. Minimum of five participants.
Read the rest of this entry »
Next entries »
